You don't know how many messages i have typed to you that I've never sent.

 I sit there in the dark, holding my phone and just wanting so much to send you a text..a message..anything.

You’re on my mind and in my thoughts like you are so often.

But just as soon as I type out something so long, full of the feelings I want to share with you..

I just delete the message and sigh deeply.

I want to tell you so many things- so many emotions I can’t tell you that are just stuck in my head, unable to get out.

It’s a hard place when you can’t share what’s in your heart with someone you care about.

I don’t know how you’d respond to my words- or if you’d even respond at all.

Frankly, I can’t risk hurting my heart again.

I know to care deeply about someone is to put yourself out there, and I’m just not ready to go there yet.

Truthfully, I don’t know I’ll ever be that ready again.

It’s a strange mixture of fear, excitement and curiosity that I can’t get past.

Maybe something will happen and one day, I won’t delete the message I’ve typed out to send you..maybe.

Or maybe I’ll just keep battling these demons in my head that tell me that I’m not good enough, that I should just stop trying to ask anyone to love me.

Those are the whispers I hear when it gets so quiet at night, borne of a life full of heartbreak and insecurity.

They’re so hard to ignore, those little demons that want you to give up and wallow in misery..

Because it’s easy to stop believing in yourself when you don’t think anyone does.

The light from my phone snaps me out of my spiraling thoughts, and I half heartedly pick it up.

‘Probably nothing, ‘ I thought, wistfully.

Wiping my eyes, my breath stops.

A text from you.

My heart races as I open the message to read it.

Never have two words ever meant more to me than they did in that moment.

“Wanna talk?”

I half laugh, half smile and I nervously debate which of 29 different responses I should send.

I type and delete almost a dozen before I just go with my first instinct.

My fingers shake as I type, out of nervous excitement.

“Of course..I’d love to.”

As your call pops up on my screen, I smile.

Sometimes, when you’re lost in the darkness, you just gotta find something to believe in and try to find the light.

In that moment, I found my path back in the most most unexpected way.

Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary day, life gives us little miracles of hope.

This one was mine and I wasn’t letting go.

I deserve to be happy, so I’ll take it.

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